How did we get here?
I’m sitting in my living room on a couch I didn’t own a year ago. The quiet of the house on a weekday afternoon still something has a distinctly new and open feeling after so many years of my opposite working all day upstairs. A year ago, he moved into a new place—a very “divorced dad” vibe condo where my kids now spend half their time. A year ago, I got back time and space I knew I was missing but couldn’t even fathom how much. A year ago, I started living by myself (at least part of the time) for the first time in my entire life, and now, a year later, I know that I can definitely do it and that I don’t want to do it forever.
Getting a divorce was something I never wanted to do (though, I suppose, who goes into a marriage wanting to get divorced?), but I also never thought I’d be queer or neurodivergent or leave the church, and those three things have certainly also come to fruition. When my ex and I got married as baby 24-year-olds, we thought we were choosing our forever. I didn’t know how much growing and changing I’d need to do or how much grief and relief would come with it. I had followed “the plan” of college, marriage, babies, and had sort of forgotten there would be decades of living to do once it was all set up.
Why am I waxing poetic about all these life changes? Mostly to give some context as to what I’ve been up to and where both I and Anna Parade as a company are heading. This past year brought more change than I’ve experienced in a long time, and change is hard, even when it’s for the best. My relationship with my ex has transformed into a coparenting, cheering-each-other-on kind of thing, and I left another partnership where I was making myself small. It took a while, but I finally started practicing the uncomfortable courage of showing up for myself instead of smallinating again, and I won’t ever go back. I’m grateful to myself for not falling for the nearly irresistible lure of being cared for in exchange for being kept. I belong deeply to myself in a way I have never experienced before in my life. Thank goodness.
As a company, Anna Parade had both an exciting and frustrating year. I was participating in the second year of Walmart’s Pride campaign, and they flew us to Brooklyn for a big fancy commercial photo shoot. It was wildly fun and we all felt very valued and cared for. Then they paid for us to go to Them’s Now Awards (where, no big deal, I met Renee Rapp) and gave us a fake little award for being queer founders*. Now, of course, Walmart has slashed their DEI policies to keep Daddy happy in his big white house, so we are no longer involved with them. Last year was also when I hired Sarah to help me keep the business running smoothly and Rachel came on to help revamp our social media. I told Sarah when I hired her that I needed a “business top,” someone who would tell me what to do and keep me in line, and Sarah is exactly that. She keeps on top of lots of logistics and pushes me to keep creating and making and dreaming and planning. Sarah and I met a lifetime ago as moms with little kiddos doing ballet. We’ve rooted for each other as we’ve left our marriages and begun new lives, and I’m lucky to have her by my side.
Earlier this year, Sarah got us to the NYNOW trade show in NYC, which had so many tiny logistics that I cannot even tell you. There is no way I could have done that on my own, and we learned so much about how this all works. (“this all” being wholesale markets, trade shows, selling, all of it) I’ll write more about that in another blog.
What I’m getting at is that there has been a huge shift in Anna Parade over the last few years. The partnership with Walmart was so fun, gave me some national exposure, and helped me grow my business. It was truly so cool to make an actual “salary” for that first year. Then they promised us double for the next year, followed through on getting us half of what the first campaign had brought us, and then dropped us. So we’re back where we started, but also not. I’m standing here with so much more wisdom and knowledge and purpose than before. We’re in a true hellscape of a world at the moment, and I’m doubling down on my belief in softness, celebration, and liberation. I hope you do too. I hope you don’t let the embers of the dumpster fire burn up all your joy. I hope you pick at the threads of injustice in whatever ways you can. I’m here with you.
*Sarah would likely pop in here to call me out on calling it a “fake little award.” All six of us queer companies who were awarded the “Founders Award” worked so hard to be there, and it was *truly* thrilling and honoring to be included in a room filled with some of the most incredible queer people doing big, real, meaningful work in the world. *And* when they were getting ready to call us on stage, the MC did so by saying, “and now…a word from our sponsors,” which I suppose it was, but it really set up our little segment as ad space and the crowd sort of checked out. I’m absolutely honored by the award, and I’m living in the aftermath of Walmart leaving me and the other queer creators behind and being honest about it.